Catholic psychologist, abuse survivor, offers advice for families

IMAGE: CNS photo/Clodagh Kilcoyne, Reuters

By Zita Ballinger Fletcher

WASHINGTON (CNS) — After recent
reports describing clergy sex abuse, Paul Peloquin, a Catholic clinical
psychologist and a clergy abuse survivor, shared advice for victims and their
families.

“For Catholics who have been
abused by a priest or clergy, it’s doubly difficult because they have not only
been psychologically traumatized, but spiritually traumatized,” Peloquin
told Catholic News. “Unless that is addressed, healing is very
difficult.”

His work as a Catholic psychologist
is tied to his own journey as an abuse survivor.

“I’m a survivor myself,” said
Peloquin, who is based in Albuquerque, New Mexico. “I left the church for
over 30 years. I thought I had the perfect justification. I totally rejected
the church and walked away.”

Peloquin overcame the effects of the
abuse by reclaiming his faith and helping fellow victims in his professional
life as a psychologist. Once suffering from spiritual doubt, he now works to
promote spiritual healing.

“If one says, ‘the Catholic
Church is bad’ or ‘all priests are bad,’ that’s too broad of a brushstroke.
They’re not,” said Peloquin, who struggled with his beliefs for a long
time. “I thought that way for a while.”

His decision to return to
Catholicism was difficult. It resulted from experiences that changed his
perspectives over time.

“I came to a point in my life
where I came to my senses and realized I wasn’t finding what I was looking for
in life — that there was a great spiritual void,” Peloquin said. “My
heart started to soften over a period of time. It took many years.”

He started going to church while
escorting his terminally ill father to daily Mass. Peloquin did not attend to
worship, but attended out of a sense of duty and obligation.

As time passed, Peloquin sought out
a one-on-one experience with God — not in a busy parish, but in the isolation
of a Benedictine monastery in the mountains. He said he was able to develop his
personal faith in God while experiencing the beauty of nature.

Peloquin said that going to a church
can trigger traumatic memories for victims. He advised survivors to seek
spiritual healing in a place where they feel peace.

“If people can find a way to be
quiet and still, the Lord wants to reach out to them,” he said.

He said that while many survivors
feel the need to vent their anger, it is only a first step in the healing
process. Peloquin also does not believe that money awarded in damages can
restore victims to spiritual and emotional wholeness.

“If people say, ‘Well, I’m just
going to get money,’ that’s not going to heal anything,” Peloquin said.
“We’re talking about a psychological and spiritual wound.”

He advised parents to seek help from
police or professional counselors if their child discloses sexual abuse.

“I would recommend that the
parents get a consult with someone who is familiar with this, to see if they
could ask the right questions, how they should react and how they are reacting,”
he said. “Don’t go off and attack a priest or a teacher without getting
the support of a professional.”

Professionals trained to interview
children can often uncover details that parents cannot, while still being
sensitive to the needs of the child.

“Oftentimes abuse is committed
by someone that is known by the family members,” he said.

While most parents react emotionally
because of disbelief or anger, Peloquin said it is important to keep calm. Open-mindedness,
a caring demeanor and good listening skills prevent a child from “shutting
down,” he explained.

Many children hesitate to come
forward because of fear that no one will believe them. Children who have been
seduced over a period of time also feel guilty about being abused. Peloquin
said parents must not allow their religious or personal views get in the way of
listening to their child.

“The child needs to feel that
they’re respected and protected in all things,” he said.

The psychologist said children
should be educated about appropriate and inappropriate types of touching. Kids also
should be encouraged to speak to a parent, teacher or other responsible adult
if they feel uncomfortable with a particular adult. Doing so, Peloquin said,
will enable children to recognize inappropriate behavior and not be seduced
into an unwanted relationship. Children should also be encouraged to vocalize
their concerns to others.

In advice to fellow Catholics who
are struggling emotionally because of clergy sex abuse, Peloquin said panic is
not the right response.

“Most priests are good people, but
there are some who aren’t,” he said. “We need the priests. We don’t
have the sacraments without the priests. But we need good priests, who want to
live the life of the priesthood and as servants.”

Peloquin said that during his years
as a professional psychologist, he has never seen any harm resulting from parents
supporting and listening to their child. Problems arise, he said, when parents
are close-minded.

“If parents deny it and say, ‘this
can never happen,’ that’s very harmful.”

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